EXSQUEEZE ME PLEASE !
(Travails of a chicken in a overcrowded coop)

Hear me out and bear my sloppy writing till the end of the post. I predict that you’ll come out of it fully in favour of birth control, no matter how conservative you may be. Here’s why –
One fine day, i was returning from a seminar and decided to take the economical route, which translates into a royal ride in an RTV Van. At first it looked quite promising.It’s small, quick, and hopefully it wouldn’t stop at every Bus stand. Turns out I wasn’t very good in predicting the future.
The conductor started stuffing passengers inside the van like we were farm chickens, tossing in one guy after another till the van started bulging outward. Seeing this, the altruistic conductor thought it was enough; so he pushed in ONLY five more people to fill up the spaces which might be there between our entangled bodies and feet.
I could feel my eyeballs ready to pop out of their socket due to all the squeezing. We were like a bunch of siamese twins packed together in a confined space for a Fevicol ad.
The hot topics of discussion were like- can you tilt your head, I need to blink! Or, can you move your chin up and down, I need you to scratch my itchy back! And when there was a whiff of air, we selfishly gulped it down before the other person had a chance.
Through all the silent cursings about why there were so many ‘other’ people in the world, we fought for every nano-microscopic pockets of air; and rejoiced and gave each other mental ‘high fives’ whenever a person got down and created temporary space before another got on.
But even empty spaces are filled with danger. Its when an inconsiderate bozo takes advantage of the available space and, instead of taking in air, decides to give out air. The sound (if any) of the public display of flatulence is the only warning that one gets before the deadly gas-byproduct of all the food ingested invades the nostrils and proceeds to interfere with your body’s vital functions.
I’ve never been a victim of a nerve gas attack, by I think I can safely assume what it feels like. Its at this exact point in space and time, when all your senses become numbed, that you drift off into nothingness- instant Nirvana.
When I finally reached my stop, I managed to somehow crawl through a mess of shoes, bellies and even faces to the exit. Ah, freedom! Next time, I’d rather take my chances with a kamikaze pilot; or even worse, a Delhi auto driver.

Prelude: The editor is not legally responsible for this story as it was taken from a news agency and we can't vouch for its accuracy. Besides, it's suppose to be funny, not factually correct. And oh, we're big fans of Sir McCartney.

Paul McCartney "sings" in CIA custody

Unknown location (California), Nov 13 (NN) - Singer Paul McCartney yesterday reportedly broke down under intense interrogation by the CIA and confessed about a plot to kill astronauts in the International Space Station by beaming his concert "live" into space.
McCartney's assumption was that the space explorers would not be able to sustain their sanity after hearing McCartney sing for hours on end with nothing else to watch on TV and they would eventually blow up the space station to regain peace.
NASA astronaut Bill McArthur and Russian cosmonaut Valery Tokarev were treated to a live wake-up call by the former Beatle with renditions of his worst songs (which he considers masterpieces). But luckily, a sudden heaven-sent space dust storm disrupted the satellite feed, thereby ending the transmission.
The astronauts, after regaining their senses, immediately contacted mission control at Houston and related the incident to their superiors. The CBI put together two and two (thereby getting seven) and took the singer in for interrogation at a secret location (Langley). Nobody knew about the incident (except the Chinese, of course) until a mole in the department (a real live mole, which could talk because of a mutation caused by unregulated experiments conducted near it's burrow by the US Government) leaked it to 'NN' news agency (Ninja News).
The CBI, suspecting a conspiracy, made McCartney "sing" by using his own medicine. They threatened to subject him to a whole day of speech by President Bush if he did not talk. The strategy worked and McCartney revealed the whole plot, saying that he was forced by terrorist group Al-Karaoke to blow up the space station as an act of revenge against the west for allowing only millionaires to become space tourists.
On Earth, former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney performed the song, "English Tea," on Saturday before inmates in Guantanamo prison as a punishment for going on a hunger strike.
And at the same time, in space, McArthur and Tokarev bobbed up and down, sipped from squeeze pouches, pulled their hairs out, peed on their pants until the dust storm destroyed the live music feed.
McArthur, who did hundreds of zero-gravity flips in a second, noted McCartney's shagging chin line and his left-handedness. "I never knew he was left handed," McArthur said. "The guy was forced into doing what he did, so we won't sue."
"If we do decide to sue, it would probably be against a cigarette company or a drug manufacturer. This is because juries really hate them, so it will be easy to get a few billion dollars from them, even though they had nothing to do with the incident."
Al-Karaoke came up with the idea after learning that NASA's Mission Control used "Good Day Sunshine" to wake up the Space Shuttle Discovery astronauts in August with word that conditions were favorable to return to Earth.
They then threatened the singer to do the dirty work after hearing him sing at a concert, noting his potential. They said if he did not co-operate, they would release a videotape to Al Jazeera claiming he was one of them, and would dare Bush to bomb his house.
President Bush has decided to pardon McCartney and said he will only subject him to a five-hour lecture. Paul has pleaded to be shot before that happens.

Paul, we still love you.

Booger in slumber

I've been
i've seen
i've felt
i've tasted

i've appreciated
i've been emancipated
i've been dragged down
i've been confused

And right now, i'm completely wasted, har har
booger is in slumber
don't have no inspiration
i need a bridge over troubled waters of boredom
when will i have the come back......